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If a man talks dirty to a woman he doesn't know it is harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man she doesn't know it is 3.95 a minute.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I was stopped in the street today by a woman with a clipboard who asked "What products do you use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied "Facebook".
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Per Voltaire, the "Holy Roman Empire" was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire. Discuss.
--Gary |
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Per Voltaire, the "Holy Roman Empire" was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire. Discuss.
--Gary
And indeed as Ernest Bevin pointed out the Lord Privy Seal is neither lord, privy nor seal.
Edit: PS Many thanks for the contribution. Posts hee are very welcome. |
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Crun-chi Volunteer tester
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Joined: 25 Nov 09 Posts: 3008 ID: 50683 Credit: 59,175,698 RAC: 1,834
                    
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“I don’t forgive people because I’m weak,
I forgive them because I am strong enough
to know people make mistakes.â€
~ Marilyn Monroe
(1926-1962)
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92*10^1439761-1 REPDIGIT PRIME :) :) :)
314187728^131072+1 GENERALIZED FERMAT
31*332^367560+1 CRUS PRIME
Proud member of team Aggie The Pew. Go Aggie! |
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rroonnaalldd Volunteer developer Volunteer tester
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Joined: 3 Jul 09 Posts: 1213 ID: 42893 Credit: 34,634,263 RAC: 0
                 
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One of the best ever was:
The missus said, "My mother thinks you're shifty. You never look her in the eye."
I replied, "There's a practical reason for that."
"What?"
"I don't want to be turned to stone."
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Best wishes. Knowledge is power. by jjwhalen
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Apparently a man was thrown off a flight when he discovered there was a female pilot and made sexist comments about her.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/southamerica/brazil/9286786/Passenger-thrown-off-plane-by-female-pilot-because-of-sexist-remarks.html
I don't see what the issue is with female pilots. I mean they don't have to reverse the plane or parallel park it or anything. |
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"Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one." --Thomas Paine
"Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true." (a Polish proverb)
"Strange women, lying in ponds, distributing swords, is no basis for a system of government." --M. Python
GC |
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My cat's been diagnosed with schizophrenia. It has got 54 lives now. |
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One of the major causes of dry skin is the towel. |
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"What are the odds of getting sick on a Saturday? 1000/1?"
Homer Simpson
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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If you leave a dog in a car in this weather with no water or ventilation, it could be dead in fifteen minutes.
Leave the heater on as well, wait another thirty minutes and the meat just falls off the bone. |
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GRRRRRR!!! TheDawgz recommend using cat as it is leaner and more heart healthy!
CAT - The other red meat!
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There's someone in our head but it's not us. |
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My boss rang this morning and asked where I was. I said I was drinking my 6th beer while sitting in the garden with Erin. He shouted "I don't believe it!" I held the telephone away from my ear and called out "This is my 6th beer of the morning isn't it, Erin?" |
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Men often say that the hardest thing about having an affair is having to keep up the constant deceit but it’s actually the bit where you try and find another human being prepared to let you touch them. |
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My work colleague asked me, "Why do you keep a picture of your wife on your desk if you hate her so much?" "In case I'm tempted to take a day off."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I tell my missus, "I love you just the way you are". But she never listens. She just puts on more weight. |
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My mate came round to my house after a bad break up with his wife. He sat down on my sofa and started sobbing. I put my hand on his back and said, "I've been where you are mate." He said, "But you and Erin are happily married." I said, "I know. What I mean is I came in drunk last night and had an accident on the sofa."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I am having trouble with a weak bladder so I phoned the Urology Helpline. A woman answered and said, "Please hold."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I should be more careful about phrasing my Facebook posts. "A friend and I blew the head gasket on his 1997 Ford" would in retrospect have been better than "A mate and I just screwed a 15 year old escort." The ISP have closed my account, the police have seized my laptop and the missus has gone to stay with her mother.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I'm fed up with my Erin's OCD. She's insisting that I arrange my books alphabetically. I can't put Up with It any longer. |
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Staggered home just recently after a rather heavy night. "I assume," Erin snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," I replied, "breakfast." |
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My missus went for a drink in the pub tonight. I probably could have got two if I'd held out a bit longer.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Make sure you shred all your post before putting it in the bin. You wouldn’t want somebody stealing your identity and being refused credit. |
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My missus has started having weird fantasies. Last night she had one where she wanted me to come home early from the pub and have dinner with her!
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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It’s not unusual for a doctor to ask for a urine sample but it is generally considered bad form if they do it on a first date. |
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Millions lost their jobs with the invention of the spinning jenny. So let's just hope somebody doesn't invent a tea-drinking machine that can click F5 constantly while on Facebook. |
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Erin said that I wasn't supportive during the birth of our first child.
I don't know why. I distinctly remember saying to her "One more push darling. Come on, one more big one. That is it. Another big push." Then she shouted "Get off the swing I need to go to the hospital. NOW!
Funny creature Erin.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I bumped into an old school friend. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my missus." "Why? Is she a stunner?" "No, she's an optician."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, or is it just one of Granny's myths? |
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The road is long, with many a winding turn that leads us to who knows where, who knows where. Maybe I should get a new Sat Nav?
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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"Whose underpants are these?" screamed Erin holdng them right in front of my face. "Oi," I replied, "you are giving me a wedgie."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Don’t let a silly little argument ruin your evening when, with the careful application of seething resentment, it can absolutely ruin an entire decade of marriage. |
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I just saw a man in the park pinned under a tree. “Get help!" he shouted. I took a swig from my bottle of vodka and said "I don't need help. I can quit any time."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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"Where is the cheese grater?" I asked Erin. "Some say France but I think England," she replied. |
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I woke up this morning and Erin was out. There is a note stuck to the fridge saying, 'I can't cope. It's clearly not working. I'm going to stay at my mother's'. I don't know what she is talking about, I just felt the milk and it's cold.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I lost my wedding ring yesterday. I had a brief look under the sofa but couldn't see it. Erin told me to look harder. I've shaved my hair, got some tattoos and bought a new Nike tracksuit, but I still can't find it. |
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Dido Rat
4 April 2011 - 19 June 2012
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/science-technology/microsoft-unveils-new-tablet-for-uncool-people-2012061931075 |
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Dido Rat
4 April 2011 - 19 June 2012
Sorry to hear, Tim.
--Gary |
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Scott Brown Volunteer moderator Project administrator Volunteer tester Project scientist
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Joined: 17 Oct 05 Posts: 2165 ID: 1178 Credit: 8,777,295,508 RAC: 144,324
                                     
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Dido Rat
4 April 2011 - 19 June 2012
I'll lift a cold one this evening to pay my respects. My Condolences.
--Scott
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I'll lift a cold one this evening to pay my respects. My Condolences.
--Scott
The wake has already started
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Try to strike a balance between career, romance and being denied bail.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Erin was talking to me without drawing breath for about 15 minutes. Then she said, "You won't tell anyone will you?" "Your secret is safe with me," I replied. "Are you sure about that?" "Yes, I said, "absolutely certain because I wasn't listening." |
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[
The wake has already started
Go ugly early.
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Warped
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I downloaded a 3D version of the alphabet. It's got 28 letters. |
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Unfortunately Karl Marx died before completing his follow-up work which was to be called Der Kleinbuchstabe.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/science-technology/gods-of-the-shining-fruit-begin-faith-testing-process-2012062531776
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Next, finely chop the chili, leaving in the seeds and add to the mustard. If that doesn’t work, you may have to use the car battery and the bulldog clips. |
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Erin says she'll leave me if I don't stop making song lyric references. At first I was afraid; I was petrified.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I've phoned the RSPCA to tell them I could give a dog a home. Those badgers aren’t going to bait themselves, are they? |
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I was pulled over by the police while driving today.
"Been drinking, have we?"
"I don't think so; I'd remember your face."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame. |
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I've fallen on Hard Tiimes. The library is a death trap.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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A Higgs Boson walks into a church during the middle of a service. The clergyman screams at it to get out because it is blasphemous by calling itself the God Particle. The Higgs Boson refuses saying "Without me you'd have no Mass."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I found an iPhone on the bus today, so called the number in the contacts that said 'Home'.
"Hello!" I said, "I've found your phone on the bus."
"Oh, that's fantastic," the woman sighed with relief.
"I know. It is. How do I work the camera?"
Sent from my iPhone.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Ahh the glorious 4th of July. The one day of the year Americans get days and months the right way round.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I saw a poster on a tree saying: 'This is a photograph of our dog which is missing. If found please call us.' I phoned them up and said, "I've just found the photograph of your dog." |
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Wives no longer feel any sense of duty to their husbands. When they take their marriage vows they promise to honour and obey you. But the moment you ask them to do a simple favour, like bring you a cake with a gun in it, they hand your letter to the prison authorities.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Erin says she wants something special and expensive to put in her bath for her birthday. I've bought her a Harrods toaster.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn. |
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I was about to pull out of a parking space when I asked Erin, "Are there any cars approaching?" "No." she said, looking out the passenger window. As I manoeuvred onto the road she added, "Just a lorry."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I do not recommend saying that you think that whites and coloureds should be kept seperate. Some people feel very strongly about laundry.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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It is not widely known but I used to be a cabinetmaker. I was an expert with the mitre saw. Then I got the sack for cutting too many corners. |
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The forthcoming Games have inspired me with the Olympic spirit. I've sent my neighbours a bill for £500 for a party to which they’re not invited.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Sometimes a nice cup of tea can make everything better. Now where can I find a couple of mugs without blood all over them? |
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Erin is proof that women can multitask. She can talk to me and irritate me at the same time.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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The forthcoming Games have inspired me with the Olympic spirit. I've sent my neighbours a bill for £500 for a party to which they’re not invited.
Hey Tim, as I've been resident of a city while it hosted the Olympics, I can sympathize. At least here we got a lot of streets re-paved beforehand, and traffic was not nearly as bad as anticipated. Keep a stiff upper lip over the next few weeks.
--Gary |
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The forthcoming Games have inspired me with the Olympic spirit. I've sent my neighbours a bill for £500 for a party to which they’re not invited.
Hey Tim, as I've been resident of a city while it hosted the Olympics, I can sympathize. At least here we got a lot of streets re-paved beforehand, and traffic was not nearly as bad as anticipated. Keep a stiff upper lip over the next few weeks.
--Gary
The evidence today (the first day of the Zil zones) is against you. Still I am away on my vacation for much of the Games while Erin's brothers stay in the house so they can go and see the women's beach volley ball.
I wanted to charge them.
Alas Erin disagrees.
She is probably right; they'll be disappointed enough to see the teams playing in waterproofs.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/australiaandthepacific/australia/9401717/Great-white-shark-protected-status-questioned.html . Premature to call it Brutus until it has eaten two??
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Feminists say that tomorrow will be 'The Age Of Women' [url] http://www.ageofwomen.com [/url] . But there's already been an Iron Age.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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My boss pulled up in his brand new motor today and I couldn't help but admire it. "Nice car," I said as he got out. "Well," he said, "Work hard, put the hours in and I'll have an even better one next year." |
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Erin came downstairs this morning to find me drinking a bottle of wine. "It's one of my 5 a day," I claimed. "It doesn't count as a fruit, you know, when the grapes have been fermented". "Who said anything about fruit?" I asked.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I was speaking to a Scottish girl at a party last night. She had a lovely Highland accent. "I like the way you roll your Rs", I said. "It is my new high heels" she replied.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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A ventriloquist cowboy rode into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog.
Cowboy: "Hey, mind if I speak to your dog?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Cowboy: "How's your owner treat you?"
Dog: "Real good." He walks me twice a day, and feeds me great food."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Cowboy: "How's your owner treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me well fed."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars! |
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I'll never forget Erin's last words; "That hole's twice the size we need for my mother's body."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I always carry with me a piece of paper telling me how to kill a man with my bare hands. I like to keep a mental note. |
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At a dinner party one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but not too wisely.
W. Somerset Maugham
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Summer is here and it’s time to get gardening. But remember – cats and strimmers don’t mix. Unless you don’t like cats, in which case they mix like a charm. |
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"That's the last time you'll call me fat. I'm walking out on you next time."
"You wouldn't really walk out on our kids."
"What kids?"
"Oh, I thought you were..."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I bought a new computer at lunch time. Erin broke the old one.
I tried to log on this morning but it wouldn't let me in.
I asked Erin, "Have you changed the password on my computer?"
"Yes."
"What is it?"
"It's the date of our anniversary."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Don't bury your head in the sand in the hope that your financial problems disappear, bury the head of your bank manager instead. |
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If your income is smaller than your outgo,
Your upkeep will be your downfall |
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I was booking a meal for our wedding anniversary when the girl on the phone asked, "Are there any dietary requirements we should know about?" "Yes," I replied, "she's a greedy pig." |
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When Erin told me Scandanavian languages don't use the letter R I thought "No way".
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.
After a while, my mum said, "Just use a spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I was in the bank last week and a man came in with a gun. "Everyone put your hands in the air" he said. "Hhhmm, funny," I thought, "I'm sure this is a bank not a party."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I've been getting a lot of nuisance phone calls recently. The most common one seems to be "Where are you? You said you'd be home from the pub hours ago." |
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I stopped a man in the street, showed him a photo and said, "Have you seen this woman?"
He said, "No, who is she?"
I said, "She's my wife."
He said, "How long's she been missing?"
"She's not missing, I just want people to see what I have to live with."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Ex Matt Daily Telegraph
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I staggered home from the pub. Sure enough Erin was standing in the hallway looking less than gruntled.
"What do you mean coming home half drunk?" she yelled.
"It's not my fault", I stammered, "I ran out of money."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Erin turned off the TV while I was watching it today. After a few moments of staring at the blank screen, I thought to myself, "That's not on". |
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On our last night on holiday we were having cocktails in the hotel bar when I realised that a rather dapper businessman kept looking over and staring at Erin. At first I didn't think anything of it, but when she excused herself to go to the toilet, he stood up and walked over to me.
"Excuse me for being so rude, but I couldn't help but look at your wife", he said, exuding confidence. "Tell me, are you aware of the film, Indecent Proposal?"
"Well y-y-yes", I stammered, trying to mask the excitement in my voice, "Why, are you about to make some kind of offer for one night with my wife?"
"No way!" He laughed. "I just wanted to tell you that she looks exactly like Robert Redford."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I said to the pharmacist, "Can you recommend something for a constant headache?"
He said, "Have you tried marriage?"
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it is proving almost impossible. |
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I was telling my mate, "After having a lower limb amputated, my dad's started to make his own beer. He's only using the finest barley, yeast and water."
"And hops?" he said.
"Of course. He's lost a leg."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Sorry feeling even more lazy than usual
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)
In the rain. (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet. (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with an old pal from Uni.(-2)
Named Tina. (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has silicone implants. (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and there’s no TV showing football (+3)
Okay, there’s football (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
There’s football, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team. (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a film. (+1)
You take her to a film she likes. (+3)
You take her to a film you hate. (+6)
You take her to a film. you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a weepie about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter; you have one too." (-8000)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response. (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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My wife went jogging at 1am this morning.
I said, "It's a bit late for you, Erin, isn't it?"
"I couldn't sleep," she replied.
"That's not what I meant."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Some people here (think AtP team mate, user name begins with C, named after famous painter, talented graphic designer, all round amusing character and nice guy [oh wait forget the last bits]) reckons I'm old.
Well I am old and being old can have drawbacks as explained here
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Erin is fed up of my constant wordplay.
I asked her, "What can I do to stop my addiction?"
She said, "Whatever means necessary."
"No it doesn't," I said.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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When I first met Erin:
"Oh, you're so funny! I just love a man with a great sense of humour!"
Now:
"What is wrong with you? Is everything a joke?"
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Erin, the tortured soul. In my craziest imagination you're getting your revenge masquerading as an AtP cruncher running a huge server farm controlled from a tiny laptop Mac.
Tim, keep 'em coming.
--Gary |
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If I am walking alone in a forest and express an opinion without Erin hearing it, is it still wrong? |
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If I am walking alone in a forest and express an opinion without Erin hearing it, is it still wrong?
You'll know, based on whether or not a tree falls on you.
G |
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Don’t marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares? |
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Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/391570_10151206699296204_686398805_n.jpg |
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I think it's pretty obvious that Lance Armstrong has been taking drugs. Look how much his appearance has changed since he sang "What A Wonderful World".
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I think it's pretty obvious that Lance Armstrong has been taking drugs. Look how much his appearance has changed since he sang "What A Wonderful World".
Whatever - doesn't make any difference now as he just died... |
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I think it's pretty obvious that Lance Armstrong has been taking drugs. Look how much his appearance has changed since he sang "What A Wonderful World".
Whatever - doesn't make any difference now as he just died...
Thanks JohnMD. First thing to make me chuckle since hearing the sad news yesterday. RIP Neil.
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Twitter: IainBethune
Proud member of team "Aggie The Pew". Go Aggie!
3073428256125*2^1290000-1 is Prime! |
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I think it's pretty obvious that Lance Armstrong has been taking drugs. Look how much his appearance has changed since he sang "What A Wonderful World".
Whatever - doesn't make any difference now as he just died...
I think your getting your Armstong's mixed up. hehe
Lance
Neil
S t r e t c h
Louis
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No doubt Buzz doesn't mind Neil went first on this step into the unknown. |
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Edit: I did want to add while I think the picture is funny I get more than a little grumpy about lack of respect to sexual partners. Kinda leave it there Ecuador.
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I've been run off my feet at work recently, what with covering my back, besmirching colleagues and shredding the evidence of my incompetence. I deserve a break.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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It's not every day I come home from work for a cheerful word, to find my dinner ready and then get dragged upstairs for a night of unbridled lust. Today is no exception.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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My nephew said, "I just don't understand girls."
I told him, "Don't worry, that'll change."
"Will it?"
"Yes, when you get older, you won't understand women." |
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Erin knew I had today off and left me a note saying, 'Please do me a favour and bring some washing in for me.' Oh she going to be so pleased. I've been round all the neighbours and she must have 30 bags full to do.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I'm getting fed up with Erin's singing practice. It is "mi, mi, mi" all the time |
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It is not widely known but before I knew Erin I had a deaf girlfriend. We broke up after she started talking in her sleep. She nearly had my eye out.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I got in touch with my inner self today. I've decided to buy higher quality tissue from now on. |
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"Businessmen, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth
None of them along the line know what any of it is worth."
Bob Dylan
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I went to a really posh school. In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James. |
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http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/war/we-kind-of-assumed-that-army-tells-taleban-2012091140692 |
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I sent off £50 for a 'make your woman more attractive kit' recently. It was a bit expensive, but the results are guaranteed. My case of lager was waiting when I got home from work. |
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Last night I said to Erin “I’m into anal.†She replied “Animal!†And then the cryptic crossword was complete.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I sent off £50 for a 'make your woman more attractive kit' recently. It was a bit expensive, but the results are guaranteed. My case of lager was waiting when I got home from work.
"Lager"? I'd have thought double-IPA would be required. :-p
--Gary
p.s. please don't let her hurt me
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Q. How do you know some one has an iPhone 5?
A. Because they tell you.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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"Lager"? I'd have thought double-IPA would be required. :-p
--Gary
p.s. please don't let her hurt me
I'll be sure not to let her hurt you. I shall set the mother-in-law on you instead.
She and I have long had a difficult relationship. (Oh and the mother-in-law too.) I am a fair bit older than Erin and Medusa was something of a child bride. So there isn't a huge gulf in age between Medusa and me.
Shortly after I met Erin her parents her parents had a party. I found myself doing the washing-up (of glassware). Out of the corner of my eye I saw Erin and thought as one does in the early days that probably her backside could do with a pinch. Great idea. Wrong generation.
I still wake in the night screaming about that one.
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If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It is much quicker with two people digging.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I went to see the Red Arrows aerobatic display team today.
There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
It was a good half hour's entertainment, but in the end, Erin parked the car and we made our way to the air show. |
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I went to see the Red Arrows aerobatic display team today.
There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
It was a good half hour's entertainment, but in the end, Erin parked the car and we made our way to the air show.
Waddington or ...
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Waddington or ...
RAF Sutton Craddock. |
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Erin came into the bedroom, "What do you think of my new knickers?" she asked. "I think they look great!" "That's nice," she said, "can you take them off."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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It is a special wedding anniversary for me this week. I asked Erin what she wanted. She said a "spa day". I've been out and bought her a lovely one. I know she'll be pleased. And when I gave it to her I'll explain it is pronounced "spade". |
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I'm shocked. I've just found both my girlfriends are cheating on me.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Erin was reading in a magazine that men are attracted to women that resemble their mothers. She said, "You've never told me about your parents. What was your mother like?"
I said, "I don't remember them. They died when our plane crashed in Africa when I was six months old. I survived and was raised by a hippo." |
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As regular readers will know it is a significant wedding anniversary for me this week. Erin booked some golf lessons for us. We were suprisingly well matched. We were even until the fifth. Then I dropped one. Erin gave up and even the dog walked away in disgust.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I called hotel management from the hotel room and said, "Please, come quick. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she'll jump out the window of your hotel".
"That is a personal matter," answered the hotel manager.
"NO!" I screamed. "The window won't open so it's a maintenance matter."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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So Erin and I somehow managed to stay married to each other for 25 years.
I pointed out things have changed. When we were first married we lived in a small heavily mortgaged flat in a poor location and we had one, small old car but that I got to sleep with a hot 20 year old brunette every night.
Erin suggests I sleep with a hot 20 year old brunette just once and I will live again in small heavily mortgaged flat in a poor location and have one small old car again.
Erin. We bicker and squabble. I'd not come this far without you. Nor want to.
Thank you.
PS Normal service resumed tomorrow.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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So Erin and I somehow managed to stay married to each other for 25 years.
I pointed out things have changed. When we were first married we lived in a small heavily mortgaged flat in a poor location and we had one, small old car but that I got to sleep with a hot 20 year old brunette every night.
Erin suggests I sleep with a hot 20 year old brunette just once and I will live again in small heavily mortgaged flat in a poor location and have one small old car again.
Erin. We bicker and squabble. I'd not come this far without you. Nor want to.
Thank you.
PS Normal service resumed tomorrow.
This post was off-topic. But at least you seem to have recognized that. Get it together, Tim.
--Gary
p.s. Congratulations. |
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Hell hath no fury like Erin mad for no particular reason. |
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There will come a day, when I will meet a woman who loves me for who I am, and supports all of my dreams. And I'll take a deep breath, look into her eyes and think "Something must be wrong with this one."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Erin has dumped a ball of clay on the drawing room floor. I don't know what to make of it. |
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Doesnayoneknowwhatthelongkeyatthebottomofthekeyboardisfor?Itmusthavesomekindofpurpose. |
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I fell in love with Erin the moment I met her. “Let's get married†I said. “But I don't know anything about you†she replied. “What do you want to know?†“Well what kind of thing do you like for starters?†“It depends,†I said “usually fish but I also ask what the soup of the day is.â€
Actually some of this is true.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Women who say child birth is the most painful thing have clearly never trodden barefoot on a British 3 pin electrical plug in the middle of the night. |
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I was in the pub with Erin last night when a guy said, "You're a very lucky man for finding such a wonderful woman."
"Bob, don't serve him any more. He's had enough." I said to the barman. |
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Last night Erin and I did some role play. She was the teacher and I was the naughty school boy that needed punishing. I think she took it a little far when she got my parents involved.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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It's a ten minute walk from my house to the pub.
Weirdly, it's a two hour walk from the pub to my house.
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Erin and I went out for a meal last night.
Erin said “Order for me.â€
"She'll have a steak and I'd like the fish, please."
The waiter said, "Would you like the head and tail left on?"
"Yes, she can eat a whole cow."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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For John:
Erin is a cat person, but I prefer dogs. Especially with soy sauce.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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You bloody heathen - Soy sauce??? How pathetically pedestrian.
Why Erin allows herself to be seen in public with you amazes us to no end.
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There's someone in our head but it's not us. |
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My children want a dog but I've refused. It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind. |
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May the fleas of a thousand rats infest your nether regions!
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There's someone in our head but it's not us. |
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A dog walks into a bar and says “Have you got any cheese?â€
“No, sorry.â€
“Have you got any cheese?â€
“No, sorry.â€
“Have you got any cheese?â€
“No, this is a pub not a grocers.â€
“Have you got any cheese?â€
“NO.â€
“Have you got any cheese?â€
“No. We. Do. Not. Have. Any. Cheese.â€
“Have you got any cheese?â€
“If you ask one more time I'll nail your ears to the bar.â€
“Have you got any nails?â€
“No.â€
“Have you got any cheese?†|
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Previous curse lifted - Have a nice day.
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There's someone in our head but it's not us. |
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"You've done well so far," the interviewer said to me, "but here's the usual final question. What would you say is your main weakness?"
"Have you had my criminal record check back?" I asked.
"Not yet, I'm afraid."
"Then it's that I try too hard for perfection."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Dread and fear built up inside me as I watched Erin at the hospital, struggling.
Beep............ beep......... beep........ beep....... beep...... beep..... beep.... beep... beep.. beep. beep. beep. beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Then nothing.
A voice broke the silence, "I'm really sorry".
"It's ok", I replied, sadness and rage overwhelming me in equal measure. What had I done to deserve this? Why do these things happen to good people?
Anyway, her checkup was fine and I had the bumper replaced the next day. |
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Erin told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Teenagers today drink twice as much alcohol as they did ten years ago. To be fair, though, they were only aged between 3 and 9 ten years ago. |
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Erin once said she'd leave me if I ever cheated on her. She's a liar.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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Home brewed beer is an excellent way to beat the credit crunch, as well as eradicating the need for fibre in your diet. |
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Man flu: I blame the Wright brothers. |
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While walking through town late last night a young lady handed me a flyer for a lap dancing club.
"How dare you." I growled. "How dare you assume I would be the type of person to frequent such an establishment. Semi naked women gyrating in front of sad,lonely sleazy old men. I'm a happily married man I'll have you know."
"Err, we do have a no touching policy." She stammered nervously.
"Oh, I do apologise." I said, removing my hand. |
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I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to go away."
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to go away."
http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&play=true |
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I have been chatting to a 13 year old girl on the internet. She's funny, sexy and flirty. Now she tells me that she's an undercover cop. How cool is that for someone her age? |
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I have been chatting to a 13 year old girl on the internet. She's funny, sexy and flirty. Now she tells me that she's an undercover cop. How cool is that for someone her age?
Fooled you!!!
You've been chatting with TheDawgz the whole time.
And if you thought that was fun ... just wait until Erin gets the transcripts.
;op
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There's someone in our head but it's not us. |
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A man in the pub wants to sell me 8 venison quarters for £100. Is that too dear? |
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Turns out Erin's liking for the strong silent type doesn't extend to flatulence.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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When I first met her Erin was a cagefighter. They often are the first few days. |
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Sometimes Erin and I laugh about how competitve we are with each other. But I laugh more.
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Oh Bondage? Up Yours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA
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"For Christmas, would you like one of those things that tests your blood pressure?" Erin asked. "You can think again if you think your mum's coming for dinner." |
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