If a man talks dirty to a woman he doesn't know it is harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man she doesn't know it is 3.95 a minute.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I was stopped in the street today by a woman with a clipboard who asked "What products do you use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied "Facebook".

____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Per Voltaire, the "Holy Roman Empire" was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire. Discuss.

--Gary

Per Voltaire, the "Holy Roman Empire" was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire. Discuss.

--Gary

“I don’t forgive people because I’m weak,
I forgive them because I am strong enough
to know people make mistakes.”

~ Marilyn Monroe
(1926-1962)
____________
314187728^¹³¹⁰⁷²+1 GENERALIZED FERMAT :)
93*10^^1029523-1 REPDIGIT PRIME
31*332^³⁶⁷⁵⁶⁰+1 CRUS PRIME
Proud member of team Aggie The Pew. Go Aggie!

One of the best ever was:
The missus said, "My mother thinks you're shifty. You never look her in the eye."

I replied, "There's a practical reason for that."

"What?"

"I don't want to be turned to stone."
____________
Best wishes. Knowledge is power. by jjwhalen

Apparently a man was thrown off a flight when he discovered there was a female pilot and made sexist comments about her.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/southamerica/brazil/9286786/Passenger-thrown-off-plane-by-female-pilot-because-of-sexist-remarks.html

I don't see what the issue is with female pilots. I mean they don't have to reverse the plane or parallel park it or anything.

"Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one." --Thomas Paine

"Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true." (a Polish proverb)

"Strange women, lying in ponds, distributing swords, is no basis for a system of government." --M. Python

GC

My cat's been diagnosed with schizophrenia. It has got 54 lives now.

One of the major causes of dry skin is the towel.

"What are the odds of getting sick on a Saturday? 1000/1?"

Homer Simpson
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

If you leave a dog in a car in this weather with no water or ventilation, it could be dead in fifteen minutes.

Leave the heater on as well, wait another thirty minutes and the meat just falls off the bone.

My boss rang this morning and asked where I was. I said I was drinking my 6th beer while sitting in the garden with Erin. He shouted "I don't believe it!" I held the telephone away from my ear and called out "This is my 6th beer of the morning isn't it, Erin?"

Men often say that the hardest thing about having an affair is having to keep up the constant deceit but it’s actually the bit where you try and find another human being prepared to let you touch them.

My work colleague asked me, "Why do you keep a picture of your wife on your desk if you hate her so much?" "In case I'm tempted to take a day off."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I tell my missus, "I love you just the way you are". But she never listens. She just puts on more weight.

My mate came round to my house after a bad break up with his wife. He sat down on my sofa and started sobbing. I put my hand on his back and said, "I've been where you are mate." He said, "But you and Erin are happily married." I said, "I know. What I mean is I came in drunk last night and had an accident on the sofa."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I am having trouble with a weak bladder so I phoned the Urology Helpline. A woman answered and said, "Please hold."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I should be more careful about phrasing my Facebook posts. "A friend and I blew the head gasket on his 1997 Ford" would in retrospect have been better than "A mate and I just screwed a 15 year old escort." The ISP have closed my account, the police have seized my laptop and the missus has gone to stay with her mother.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I'm fed up with my Erin's OCD. She's insisting that I arrange my books alphabetically. I can't put Up with It any longer.

Staggered home just recently after a rather heavy night. "I assume," Erin snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," I replied, "breakfast."

My missus went for a drink in the pub tonight. I probably could have got two if I'd held out a bit longer.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Make sure you shred all your post before putting it in the bin. You wouldn’t want somebody stealing your identity and being refused credit.

My missus has started having weird fantasies. Last night she had one where she wanted me to come home early from the pub and have dinner with her!
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

It’s not unusual for a doctor to ask for a urine sample but it is generally considered bad form if they do it on a first date.

Millions lost their jobs with the invention of the spinning jenny. So let's just hope somebody doesn't invent a tea-drinking machine that can click F5 constantly while on Facebook.

Erin said that I wasn't supportive during the birth of our first child.

I don't know why. I distinctly remember saying to her "One more push darling. Come on, one more big one. That is it. Another big push." Then she shouted "Get off the swing I need to go to the hospital. NOW!

Funny creature Erin.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I bumped into an old school friend. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my missus." "Why? Is she a stunner?" "No, she's an optician."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, or is it just one of Granny's myths?

The road is long, with many a winding turn that leads us to who knows where, who knows where. Maybe I should get a new Sat Nav?
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

"Whose underpants are these?" screamed Erin holdng them right in front of my face. "Oi," I replied, "you are giving me a wedgie."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Don’t let a silly little argument ruin your evening when, with the careful application of seething resentment, it can absolutely ruin an entire decade of marriage.

I just saw a man in the park pinned under a tree. “Get help!" he shouted. I took a swig from my bottle of vodka and said "I don't need help. I can quit any time."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

"Where is the cheese grater?" I asked Erin. "Some say France but I think England," she replied.

I woke up this morning and Erin was out. There is a note stuck to the fridge saying, 'I can't cope. It's clearly not working. I'm going to stay at my mother's'. I don't know what she is talking about, I just felt the milk and it's cold.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I lost my wedding ring yesterday. I had a brief look under the sofa but couldn't see it. Erin told me to look harder. I've shaved my hair, got some tattoos and bought a new Nike tracksuit, but I still can't find it.

Dido Rat

4 April 2011 - 19 June 2012
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/science-technology/microsoft-unveils-new-tablet-for-uncool-people-2012061931075

Dido Rat

4 April 2011 - 19 June 2012

Dido Rat

4 April 2011 - 19 June 2012

I'll lift a cold one this evening to pay my respects. My Condolences.

--Scott

Try to strike a balance between career, romance and being denied bail.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Erin was talking to me without drawing breath for about 15 minutes. Then she said, "You won't tell anyone will you?" "Your secret is safe with me," I replied. "Are you sure about that?" "Yes, I said, "absolutely certain because I wasn't listening."

I downloaded a 3D version of the alphabet. It's got 28 letters.

Unfortunately Karl Marx died before completing his follow-up work which was to be called Der Kleinbuchstabe.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/science-technology/gods-of-the-shining-fruit-begin-faith-testing-process-2012062531776
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Next, finely chop the chili, leaving in the seeds and add to the mustard. If that doesn’t work, you may have to use the car battery and the bulldog clips.

Erin says she'll leave me if I don't stop making song lyric references. At first I was afraid; I was petrified.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I've phoned the RSPCA to tell them I could give a dog a home. Those badgers aren’t going to bait themselves, are they?

I was pulled over by the police while driving today.
"Been drinking, have we?"
"I don't think so; I'd remember your face."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.

I've fallen on Hard Tiimes. The library is a death trap.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

A Higgs Boson walks into a church during the middle of a service. The clergyman screams at it to get out because it is blasphemous by calling itself the God Particle. The Higgs Boson refuses saying "Without me you'd have no Mass."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I found an iPhone on the bus today, so called the number in the contacts that said 'Home'.

"Hello!" I said, "I've found your phone on the bus."

"Oh, that's fantastic," the woman sighed with relief.

"I know. It is. How do I work the camera?"



Sent from my iPhone.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Ahh the glorious 4th of July. The one day of the year Americans get days and months the right way round.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I saw a poster on a tree saying: 'This is a photograph of our dog which is missing. If found please call us.' I phoned them up and said, "I've just found the photograph of your dog."

Wives no longer feel any sense of duty to their husbands. When they take their marriage vows they promise to honour and obey you. But the moment you ask them to do a simple favour, like bring you a cake with a gun in it, they hand your letter to the prison authorities.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Erin says she wants something special and expensive to put in her bath for her birthday. I've bought her a Harrods toaster.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn.

I was about to pull out of a parking space when I asked Erin, "Are there any cars approaching?" "No." she said, looking out the passenger window. As I manoeuvred onto the road she added, "Just a lorry."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I do not recommend saying that you think that whites and coloureds should be kept seperate. Some people feel very strongly about laundry.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

It is not widely known but I used to be a cabinetmaker. I was an expert with the mitre saw. Then I got the sack for cutting too many corners.

The forthcoming Games have inspired me with the Olympic spirit. I've sent my neighbours a bill for £500 for a party to which they’re not invited.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Sometimes a nice cup of tea can make everything better. Now where can I find a couple of mugs without blood all over them?

Erin is proof that women can multitask. She can talk to me and irritate me at the same time.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

The forthcoming Games have inspired me with the Olympic spirit. I've sent my neighbours a bill for £500 for a party to which they’re not invited.

The forthcoming Games have inspired me with the Olympic spirit. I've sent my neighbours a bill for £500 for a party to which they’re not invited.

Hey Tim, as I've been resident of a city while it hosted the Olympics, I can sympathize. At least here we got a lot of streets re-paved beforehand, and traffic was not nearly as bad as anticipated. Keep a stiff upper lip over the next few weeks.

--Gary

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/australiaandthepacific/australia/9401717/Great-white-shark-protected-status-questioned.html . Premature to call it Brutus until it has eaten two??
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Feminists say that tomorrow will be 'The Age Of Women' [url] http://www.ageofwomen.com [/url] . But there's already been an Iron Age.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

My boss pulled up in his brand new motor today and I couldn't help but admire it. "Nice car," I said as he got out. "Well," he said, "Work hard, put the hours in and I'll have an even better one next year."

Erin came downstairs this morning to find me drinking a bottle of wine. "It's one of my 5 a day," I claimed. "It doesn't count as a fruit, you know, when the grapes have been fermented". "Who said anything about fruit?" I asked.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I was speaking to a Scottish girl at a party last night. She had a lovely Highland accent. "I like the way you roll your Rs", I said. "It is my new high heels" she replied.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

A ventriloquist cowboy rode into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog.
Cowboy: "Hey, mind if I speak to your dog?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Cowboy: "How's your owner treat you?"
Dog: "Real good." He walks me twice a day, and feeds me great food."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Cowboy: "How's your owner treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me well fed."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!

I'll never forget Erin's last words; "That hole's twice the size we need for my mother's body."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I always carry with me a piece of paper telling me how to kill a man with my bare hands. I like to keep a mental note.

At a dinner party one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but not too wisely.
W. Somerset Maugham
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Summer is here and it’s time to get gardening. But remember – cats and strimmers don’t mix. Unless you don’t like cats, in which case they mix like a charm.

"That's the last time you'll call me fat. I'm walking out on you next time."
"You wouldn't really walk out on our kids."
"What kids?"
"Oh, I thought you were..."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I bought a new computer at lunch time. Erin broke the old one.
I tried to log on this morning but it wouldn't let me in.
I asked Erin, "Have you changed the password on my computer?"
"Yes."
"What is it?"
"It's the date of our anniversary."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Don't bury your head in the sand in the hope that your financial problems disappear, bury the head of your bank manager instead.

I was booking a meal for our wedding anniversary when the girl on the phone asked, "Are there any dietary requirements we should know about?" "Yes," I replied, "she's a greedy pig."

When Erin told me Scandanavian languages don't use the letter R I thought "No way".
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.
After a while, my mum said, "Just use a spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I was in the bank last week and a man came in with a gun. "Everyone put your hands in the air" he said. "Hhhmm, funny," I thought, "I'm sure this is a bank not a party."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I've been getting a lot of nuisance phone calls recently. The most common one seems to be "Where are you? You said you'd be home from the pub hours ago."

I stopped a man in the street, showed him a photo and said, "Have you seen this woman?"
He said, "No, who is she?"
I said, "She's my wife."
He said, "How long's she been missing?"
"She's not missing, I just want people to see what I have to live with."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Ex Matt Daily Telegraph

I staggered home from the pub. Sure enough Erin was standing in the hallway looking less than gruntled.
"What do you mean coming home half drunk?" she yelled.
"It's not my fault", I stammered, "I ran out of money."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Erin turned off the TV while I was watching it today. After a few moments of staring at the blank screen, I thought to myself, "That's not on".

On our last night on holiday we were having cocktails in the hotel bar when I realised that a rather dapper businessman kept looking over and staring at Erin. At first I didn't think anything of it, but when she excused herself to go to the toilet, he stood up and walked over to me.

"Excuse me for being so rude, but I couldn't help but look at your wife", he said, exuding confidence. "Tell me, are you aware of the film, Indecent Proposal?"

"Well y-y-yes", I stammered, trying to mask the excitement in my voice, "Why, are you about to make some kind of offer for one night with my wife?"

"No way!" He laughed. "I just wanted to tell you that she looks exactly like Robert Redford."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

I said to the pharmacist, "Can you recommend something for a constant headache?"

He said, "Have you tried marriage?"
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it is proving almost impossible.

I was telling my mate, "After having a lower limb amputated, my dad's started to make his own beer. He's only using the finest barley, yeast and water."

"And hops?" he said.

"Of course. He's lost a leg."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Sorry feeling even more lazy than usual


SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)
In the rain. (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with an old pal from Uni.(-2)
Named Tina. (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and there’s no TV showing football (+3)
Okay, there’s football (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
There’s football, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a film. (+1)
You take her to a film she likes. (+3)
You take her to a film you hate. (+6)
You take her to a film. you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a weepie about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter; you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

My wife went jogging at 1am this morning.
I said, "It's a bit late for you, Erin, isn't it?"
"I couldn't sleep," she replied.
"That's not what I meant."
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Some people here (think AtP team mate, user name begins with C, named after famous painter, talented graphic designer, all round amusing character and nice guy [oh wait forget the last bits]) reckons I'm old.

Well I am old and being old can have drawbacks as explained here
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA

Erin is fed up of my constant wordplay.
I asked her, "What can I do to stop my addiction?"
She said, "Whatever means necessary."
"No it doesn't," I said.
____________
Oh Bondage? Up Yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogypBUCb7DA